It has been several years since I wrote here. A lot has happened. I finished my IMEC Masters through the Erasmus Mundus scholarship from the European Commission. I came back to the Philippines so I could apply what I have learned before I left again, and of course to be with my loved ones. I joined Team Play of Play Innovations Inc., an ABSCBN Subsidiary that operates KidZania Manila. It was a happy almost-four years with Team Play until the opportunity to overhaul my life came again.
Norway has welcomed me back with open arms as a PhD Research Fellow in the Western Norway University of Applied Sciences. It is a relatively new university. As I understand it, several university colleges in the west of Norway merged to form this university. It was really as though all the stars aligned to bring me back here because just last year, a centre that would research on kindergarten knowledge opened, and they are offering PhD positions. I am truly blessed to have been selected out of all the applicants.
That is why after three airplane rides, two layovers, four airports in total, I find myself typing up this post in Bergen, Norway. I arrived at 30 minutes past 4pm, got to my flat at around 6pm, slept at around 9pm, woke up at 2 am because my body is still in the Philippine time zone. I hope to be able to sleep better tonight, but I will force myself not to sleep now to adjust to the time here.
Wish me luck! 🙂
It started with my friend moving houses. Then me moving rooms.
Okay, stop. In retrospect, I will not be able to pinpoint just when change happened because it has always been happening and it will always happen.
Change is always difficult for the most part. Uncertainty has a way of seeping through one’s soul–unforgiving and relentless. It makes one question and doubt decisions made. Much at the same time, change could also be exciting and exhilarating as there would always be something to look forward to in anticipation.
As such, I believe change makes us stronger and wiser. When placed in a tight spot when we have to decide on things that would affect our future, and when faced in unforgiving situations of weighing out responsibilities, we are able to get to know ourselves better. We get to know our weaknesses, failures, mistakes, fears, and doubts. We realize that we can thrive in our beauty and core strength. We find inspirations and motivations. We seek out feelers in our environment to provide us with comfort–may it be in the form of friends, family, or even situations. In this way, change is able to mold us into beings that are improved versions of previous ones.
That’s what I would like to believe anyway.
Because in the realm of harsh reality, we can only hold on to our faith in things we believe in so we would be able to remain unscathed in this unending journey through change.
It’s been a while since I updated this blog. I’ve really no excuse, but it’s not like I am required to anyways. I suppose you could say I was too busy experiencing and living a different life than the one I was accustomed to. From Norway to Ireland, then Malta and back to Ireland, as well as all the trips in between, gave my body, mind and soul loads to take in. It’s been an incredible journey of epic proportions that I have been blessed and honored to have gone on. It was not at all easy–in fact I am writing this update inspired by the thought of how difficult yet rewarding it has been.Â
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Imagine being uprooted from a fairly comfortable position and made to live in different contexts and situations for at most 6 months at a time. Imagine trying to fit all of your belongings in one measly suitcase with a weight limit. Imagine having to lug that suitcase after a couple of months, onward to a new environment. Imagine the life of a nomad with no permanent address, no family to run home to, no chance to garner physical comfort from the people who matter the most.Â
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That’s how it was. Because aside from all the learnings gained through the course of the two years brought about not only by our professors, lecture, study trips and even leisure trips, it was an ultimate challenge to do all that outside of one’s comfort zone. I concur that it is best to learn beyond one’s zone of comfort as I have encouraged most of my students to take the leap to broaden their horizons. I have learned, however, just how important that comfort zone is, and how it is essential for one’s soul to come back even as one’s horizons have already broadened. I have come to realize that no matter how independent and strong you think you are, the thought of coming home is something that would give you you warm tingles of anticipation as it nears. It makes you want to laugh and cry–mixed emotions engulfing each body part just to prove a point–that you are human who will always yearn for home.Â
Now I could never change you
and I don’t wanna blame you
Baby you don’t have to take the fault
Yes I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just wanna have it all
It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something’s gonna change
Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
you’ll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through
for you
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile what’s the use of crying
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you’ll just
Smile
Someday you will find somebody you are so proud of you’d want to scream your love out loud for the world to hear.
Wish I was that somebody.
I long to be that girl. But if i’m not then what can I do?
Shout it loud,
Hushed.
Ever slowly,
Rushed.
Flying high,
Crushed.
All my loving,
Slushed.
Keep on trying,
Shushed.
Bits and pieces,
Brushed.
When am I ever going to be enough?
What can I ever to do prove my worth to be with you?
When will you ever hold my hand and never let go?
Will I ever live to see the day when you will be proud that you are with me?
When all things pile up and you are left feeling small, I’m just. Waiting for the earth to swallow me. Whole, not anymore.
Breaking.
Into.
Pieces.
Shattered.
Life.
Scattered.
Bits.
Pick.
It.
Up.
Ever.
So.
Slowly.
Fade.
Away.
Invisible.
Imagination.
Existence.
I?
I do not exist.
I never existed at all.
ofrainbowsandansweredprayers 